Numbness engulfed me. The intense crying had become a low whimper.  I kissed him over and over again, telling him how much I loved him and how hard we had tried. I told him he had his daddy’s eyes.  I had seen them, for only a flash.  As I stroked his silky dark hair I spoke to him, “You opened them yesterday: I think you were saying ‘Hi Mom’.”  Redirecting my eyes, I assured the nurse “I just saw his eyes for the first time yesterday.”  She smiled in a sincere way of giving heartfelt congratulatory belief. Rob now held his arms around me and embraced us both in the crevice of his chest.  I shook my head and muttered, “I can’t believe it ended this way.”  Both of our faces were strained with suppressed tears as we shook our heads with numb incredulity. 

My face was rigid with furrowed anguish and no matter who looked at me; their feelings of unadulterated sadness were instant. Each expression could not help but reflect back my own deep sorrow.  Human empathy is the greatest of gifts. Wordless emotion is the map of the human soul, and today it revealed the compass points of my abysmal loss.  The nurses offered to wrap him up so we could go and be with our family.  I didn’t want to leave, but I thought a blanket would feel good to him. I know this seems crazy, but I was his mother and I still wanted him to feel safe and comfortable while I was gone.

Next Page >